S3E3: Acceptance, Accountability, And A Future You Choose.

And we are back. Carlos Speaks Podcast season three, episode three. Um, first of all, happy new year, happy new year. Um, I think that it is safe to say that 2025 was a wild time for a lot of people. I know for me, 2025 took me down through there. Um, but God has been faithful um throughout the entirety of the year, um, has some major, major life changes um that were nothing less than the faithfulness and the grace of God that um he's so mercifully given me. So I thank God that I survived 2025. Um at my church at the Life Center, Texas. Um we have declared, our leaders have declared that it is the year of execution. It's the year of execution. This is the year where we do and not doubt. This is the year where we get it done. Um, my pastor, Pastor Siobhan, and Pastor Cheyenne, um, they gave the double entendre um definition of what it means to execute. Not only does it mean to do, it also means to kill off. It also means to kill off those things that have hindered us, those things that have caused us to not stand fully in what we're called to do, who we're called to be, um doing what it takes to just truly live our best life, our most full life um in the fullness thereof. So welcome to 2026, baby. The year of execution. As you can see, baby, hey, speaking of execution, I have decided uh that there are some things in my life that I want to be very intentional about. And one of those things are um is how I carry myself, how I present myself. Um, not that I don't do it now, but there this year is going to require an additional level of execution. Um, if I'm gonna execute, I want to look like an executive. So as you can see, the content is about to go crazy. The we hey, the production is crazy. If you have any photography or videography needs, Mr. A-list photography here in Dallas, Texas. I'm gonna I'm gonna tag him in the comments. He is your man, my man Melvin's the CEO and owner of it. And uh, he's gonna take care of you as he's taking care of me. Um, execute, execute, execute. Finally, I have gotten a question. Um as it pertains to the previous episodes that I've recorded, the previous content that I've put out. Um, if you've been following me for a while, you know that I live in vulnerability, I live in transparency because I know that somebody somewhere needs to hear what it is I have to say, needs to be able to see that they're not the only one dealing with divorce, to see that they're not the only person that deals with the struggles that come with fatherhood, being geographically displaced from your children, um, struggles with your walk spiritually, what it means to be a son, all the things. And so finally, we have gotten a question. Um, and that's what we're gonna base today's episode off of. Um, so before I get into that, please, DMs are open. Um if you're following or listening to me on Apple Podcasts. Uh, there's a link there so you can text me directly, whatever questions you may have, whatever content you want, whatever conversations you want to have. Um, Carlos Speaks Podcast is an open platform for anything that we want to talk about, anything that we want to bring to the forefront and discuss in a safe way. Um, that brings us to today's episode. Uh, what it means to move on. Um, the DM that I got um was from somebody who is uh going through divorce, um, a husband, actually. Um, and his question was framed in the the the premise of you're twice divorced and you seem to be in a really good place. How do I get from the beginning of divorce to being happy again? And I'm about to cry right now because I remember what that weight felt like to plan for a life that you never wanted for yourself. I don't believe that anybody gets married with the intent to be divorced. I don't think that there's any dad out there that is similar to me in nature that wants to build a broken home, that wants to live in a house divided. Um and I do not forget how dark that valley was for me. Um so I am happy to be able to lean into that space and kind of speak from my own very personal experience as it pertains to divorce. So today we're going to talk about what it means to move on and find yourself and be happy again. So, you know, if if I get a little choked up, it's because that is a very defining experience to go through, a very transitional experience to go through. Um, but I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you, I promise you that this is but a step along the journey of becoming who God has called you to be and the happiest version of yourself. Divorce does not define you. It does not define you, it does not devalue you, it doesn't lessen your worth. You are still worthy of love that is whole, that is healing, um, that is all-encompassing. I I promise. I promise you. Chuck this up as an experience. Um, and let's go, right? Uh, so the first thing that I had to do um in my divorce, I had to accept it. I had to say, okay, this is happening. This is happening, and there's nothing I can do about it that would yield a healthy result. Because marriage takes two people. And if one of those people decide that they no longer want to do it, that's their decision to make. And all we can do is respond to that. Um, and as difficult as it may be, you have to respond in a way that is healthy and not harmful. And that's easier said than done. That's easier said than done. Um, and you know, I'll speak very candidly. Um, you have to accept that there are answers to questions that you will not get. There, there, that, that, that, the that other person's position might not ever make sense to you because you have two different perspectives of the same marriage, right? They see a six and you see a nine. That doesn't invalidate the six that they see, but it also doesn't invalidate the nine that you see. So I I don't want you to invalidate how you feel and what you need to be better moving on because of the difference in perspective. A lot of times trying to bend ourselves to see the the six us is causes us more harm than it is to accept that you see a six and I'll never see it. And that's okay. Accept it. Accept it. Accept it. Um and usually what I had to do, I had to, I had to accept it and run. I had to accept it and isolate because my my accepting of what was happening made me angry. It irritated me, it frustrated me because I asked you to marry me. I said, I am in a place in my life where I love you under God more than anything else, and I want to spend my life with you. And the point of separation in that is painful. But you gotta accept it for what it is. Because delaying the acceptance delays the healing. Delaying the acceptance says that, all right, cool, I'm not gonna accept that this is my reality. I'm gonna pretend like it doesn't exist. I'm not gonna read those papers. I'm gonna put it off. I'm going to, oh no, it's not real. You're doing yourself a disservice and you're doing yourself more harm than good. Because the longer you ignore a problem, the worse the symptoms get. It's like cancer. The sooner you find it, the sooner you can respond to it in a way that's gonna leave you in a more healthy position than if you don't. Accept it. Accept it. And you gotta say it is what it is, and I mean that. Um now, I think the the second thing for me was very difficult. It was accountability. Oh, I that feels strange coming out my mouth today. Um, and granted, I've I've been divorced since October 1st, 2020. Um accountability says, were there were there things that I contributed to this outcome? Was I the best husband I could be all the time? Did I extend grace all the time? Was I loving all the time? Was I understanding all the time? Would I have been happy to be married to me? That's accountability, and it don't feel good because the the answer we want to say automatically is yes. I was an amazing husband, I was an amazing partner. And the reality of the situation is that we're human. And that there are times in our lives and our marriages and relationships where we are not our best selves. And we have to be aware of that. Because if we are operating in the ignorance of our humanity, then we're hurting people while we are believing we're helping them. Right? And and hurting somebody doesn't necessarily mean physical abuse. It doesn't, it doesn't mean you're cussing them out. Are you giving them the cold shoulder? Are you isolating them? Are you intentionally starving them of their love language? What are you doing that could be detrimental to the healthiness of the marriage? And and just because it's not explosive, it's not aggressive or abrasive, it does not mean that it is healthy. You know that girl like Nicola at night, you man, you gonna let her sleep on that side of bed by herself. There is somebody um who said something recently, and it said that space gives way to imagination. That's good. That's good. Space. And it doesn't have to be physical space, or you're creating emotional distance in your marriage. Physical distance. You're not as touchy because you're mad. And one thing that I had to I had to learn in myself, because I do believe I'm called to be a good husband. And one thing that I had to learn is I had to zoom out and say, okay, it is I I can feel. I I can still be loving in spite of my frustrations. I still can be loving despite the fact that I feel offended that I'm angry. And very often, all that takes is to have a sentence. Hey, look, I am feeling angry. I'm feeling frustrated. I still love you. I'm not leaving you. But I need to run to this gym real quick and put my hands on some weights. And when I get back, we can talk. We can try it again. Because I want to understand you. I want to understand where you're coming from, I want to understand your perspective. And if that wasn't the case more often than not, can I as a man say I didn't do my very best as a husband? And having to say that in the face of somebody saying they don't want to be with you. Because offense says, I'm the best thing you ever had in your life. Accountability says maybe I wasn't. And these are the circumstances and places and spaces where I didn't extend grace. Did I create an environment where she felt safe enough to give, to be, to exist? Or did I quietly contribute to a war zone and she felt like she had to fight? Maybe that's why she was masculine all the time. Maybe that's why y'all bump heads all the time. Maybe that's why she never felt like a girl because you made her feel like a man because y'all bumping heads all the time. And these are questions I had to sit quietly and ask myself and honestly answer. I used to be a recruiter while I was married. I used to go out and ask people all day if they want to join the military. I had a word count, a thousand words, for example. And when I got home, I didn't want to talk no more. I don't want I how fair was that to her when all she wants to do is hear about my day? When she wants to say, did anything interesting happen today? I don't want to talk. How much would it have cost me to say, hey babe, I don't even want to talk? Give me one hour. Give me an hour. I just want to be quiet. I'm gonna take a shower, I'm gonna decompress. And when I come out, I'm gonna give you what's due to you because my marriage is more important than my career. I got you. I'm gonna make space for you. Let me just because I don't want to give you what doesn't belong to you. That's accountability, and that's being present. Um I listed this third, even though it should have been first, and it was first, but I think that where I was in my walk with God, as a man, I was ready to respond first rather than pray first. Because my responsiveness feels like I'm doing something. My responsiveness feels like I'm mitigating or I'm fixing or I'm actively doing something to resolve the problem. It was in the darkness of my divorce that I truly found God. And I'm a PK. I was I raised in the church, note the Bible back and forth. And yet, in my most desperate time of need, I relied on me. It was God. It was God because when you go into that dark place and you and the things that you have prioritized over God, the things that you've quietly idolized no longer serve you. If your if your marriage was an idol and it no longer serves you, now you got that gap, you gotta sit in the darkness of that. And God met me there. I will never forget it was New Year's night. New Year's night, January 2018. I left church service um the night before, and I was laying in my bed, and um I was in a very, very dark space because this was not my first divorce, it was my second. So, what do you do when you you're failing again as a husband? And coming from church culture, first of all, divorce is a no-no two times, so dealing with the shame associated with that. God found me just in time because I was going to do something bad. So acceptance, accountability, God, again, this is my order, and I'm giving it to you in real time. Even though God should have been first, I didn't act spiritually first, I acted my humanity first. And if we're gonna go back to it, did I allow God space in my marriage? I probably would have been in a more efficient space as a husband if God let it. Because now it's easier for me to give you grace because I'm constantly reminded of how much God gives me. I'm constantly reminded that the Bible says I have to love my wife as Jesus loves the church. How often have we let Jesus down? And his grace is still yet sufficient. So every little attitude, every little, every little fight, every none of that truly matters in the grand scheme of what it means to be married, in the grand scheme of what it means to love your wife with grace. And again, we're talking about hindsight. Hindsight is always 2020. I'm not saying this to say that you made a mistake. What I'm saying is moving forward, can we operate in a godly husband space? I didn't see God like I should have before I married this woman. Pastor Siobhan Smith said something often and it always stuck with me. What God permits does not always align with his promise. So just because that that that that marriage was permitted, it doesn't mean it's fulfilling the promise he gave you. And I tell you that to mean that I have to deal with the consequences of what I chose to do outside the will of God, right? Which means I gotta deal with what it means to be twice divorced. I gotta deal with what it means to have two children that that don't exist inside one household. I gotta deal with that. As a man, it's my responsibility. And don't get me wrong, I take care of that. 100%, my children never feel any space or lack. I gotta live with that. So even though his grace is sufficient, is my responsibility to learn from my lessons. That was probably the hardest lesson for me out of all of these. That one. Um Going to the next point, structure and routine. Structure and routine. You have to start very quickly building what it means for you to live in a new life focused on you and your children if you have any. Focused on you for you. If that means creating staples in your schedule, uh for example, I had to commit to a schedule. I gotta be in the gym by five. I gotta be praying by seven. I gotta be at work by nine. Those are my staples. Those are my staples. When I got to the point where I live by my staples, no matter how I'm feeling, my routine kept me focused. I'm talking good. No, because a lot of times when we react out of feelings, we find ourselves moving slow. We find ourselves staying in the bed longer. We find ourselves moving in direct reflection of what we feel. I feel sad, so now I'm moving slow. I feel depressed, so now I'm not moving at all. I feel angry, so now I'm doing things real rough and shutting doors hard. Routine keeps you focused even when your feelings don't align with what the routine demands. You'll catch that tomorrow on your lunch break. Um, you gotta stick to the routine. You gotta stick to the routine. And what I found in creating and maintaining routine and structure was that I can still operate despite how I feel. Boom, boom, left, right. You get a rhythm, left, right, boom, boom. You might speed it up and you might slow it down. But that routine and that rhythm uh played a very, very, very significant role in me moving forward and not sliding back, not going, not going back to the space that says, you've already made up your mind because one thing you ain't never gotta do. And I shout out to my mama for this. You ain't never gotta tell me more than one time you don't want to be here. Ever. But with that being said, I think sometimes in the face of a breakup or or a divorce or the severing of a connection, there's a part of us that longs for what was provided by that person. And that's why we get a whole lot of situationships that come from um, well, let's let's try again. Or did you mean it for sure? Or and and again, this is just my opinion, that's what lessens your value. You're not gonna leave me twice, you're not gonna have to repeat yourself, and I'm not gonna put myself in a position to be handled wrong again. Routine, structure, routine, structure, routine, structure until you get your feet back under you. And that goes back to underlining your effort and your intentionality with prayer and supplication. The Bible says that there is no temptation that is uncommon among mankind. So even when you're you're tempted to go back to that situation, the way of escape is structure, routine, structure, routine. It's been in my experience that when I get that emotion and I do something productive, I don't have that emotion. I don't, I don't, I don't feel that it's dissolved. Structure, routine. Um, which leads into my next point, which is intentionality. You have to be intentional, you have to choose it. You have to choose to move on, you have to choose to be better, and you have to choose to move in a direction of what it means to heal. And it's from intentionality that we do things that contribute to our healing. That's where we go to therapy, that's where we commit to church, to relationship. It's the intentionality that drives the boat through the ocean of healing. Write that down because that was good. Intentionality drives the boat through the ocean of healing. Um, if I didn't have any intentionality, I would not be here. And this might then I'm gonna say this part for my humanity. Um, I ain't gonna never be that ex. I ain't gonna never be that ex. Hey, baby, if we used to talk, you're gonna look back at me, and I'm never gonna let you find me where you left me. Ever. And then that led that intentionality, intentionality led me to community. You need community. You need to find good people that can pour into you, that can give you wise counsel, that can encourage you to move on and be better. Um, those were, and I listen, I spent a week sitting with and praying about my answer. Those were the things that got me to where I am. Um, and if I could change the order of it, I'll put God first. He definitely has has showed up my life uh in the most faithful way. Um and I'm thankful for that. Um so yeah, that is this week's conversation with Carlos Speaks. Um, hey, hit me with a DM. I I have nothing, there is nothing that brings me more joy and fulfillment than to share my experiences um and encourage other people through my experiences because I know that God didn't do this for me to keep it to myself. So I'll see y'all next week on episode four of Carlos Speaks. If there is anything here, any gym at all that has encouraged you, that has inspired you, that has given you the opportunity to scroll out, be better, and move differently, do me a favor, subscribe, like, and share the content with somebody so they can end up in the same spot as you and begin bettering themselves.